I realized in yoga tonight that I have a problem with not feeling deserving.
It’s at the root of my dysfunction. Well, I call it a dysfunction but I think most people suffer from this same problem.
That is, the inability to be oneself, to be genuine, especially when it comes to interacting with someone whom you’re attracted to.
What does it mean to be genuine?
When I consider what being genuine means to me, it’s letting myself and my (positive) intention flow out (I hint at ‘positive’ because if you have a hard time letting yourself feel good, you may end up letting your negative intention flow out instead).
This inability to let yourself have good things, to allow delight and being open to happenstance; to let life unfold before you without curtailing desire, or withholding the feeling of pleasure. To me, this is one of the worst tragedies in life.
And as for being genuine, well I guess you can be a genuine asshole. Maybe I’d have more success in my social life if I did that, but that’s not me. I want to spread the love.
I want to act genuinely so people can know what they’re getting. To be what I say I am. How much more solid can you get than that?
When you live small, you tend to hide your light. You’re in fear and although you may crave attention and connection with someone, you’re afraid to shine your light and so no connection can be made. I think that is one of the biggest and underexposed epidemics going, that most people feel undeserving (negative) and don’t shine their light (intention).
When you combine fear with a negative intention, you will get this back from the world. The same and opposite occurs when you combine love with a positive intention.
It feels unnatural for me to let myself feel good. Is this uncommon?
I feel like it isn’t, that most people have at one time or another felt small compared to a Jay Z or a Kim Kardashian, or (insert idol).
It’s also why, I believe, many people have gravitated to being more mindful, to eating healthier, going to yoga, and so on.
But coming back to the practice of letting oneself feel good. Can I hold on to that? Can I practice that?
It’s also why I have a hard time feeling gratitude because Gratitude is such an amazing feeling!
It’s all linked up.
So what would happen if I let myself feel good?
I tried that in yoga, too, and all I felt like doing was shining my joy at people! Smiling at them. Letting them know that I am letting myself feel good and see what happens!
I did for a split second and it was incredibly scary. I couldn’t even make eye contact with anyone very well.
It was like a completely different way of being. It felt alien.
Maybe some people might look at me like I’m crazy, but more likely than not they will grin back in kind. That’s just how that works. And if by chance I do receive a crooked look back, I’ll probably be too busy feeling good to care. 🙂