For so long I have struggled to let go of my sense of Self.
Maybe that’s not even possible!
But traditional spirituality would say otherwise.
In fact, spirituality and all major spiritual traditions point to surrender and a transcending of the ego.
I always felt that this wasn’t possible for me. Oh, what an ego I have/had!
I don’t want to say that my ego was special or unique – it most certainly is not – just that, to me, it was everything! It was my identity for better or for worse.
Yes, it kept me apart and alienated from other people, in terms of meaningful relationships: I was desperate to protect my precious sense of self and anything that could threaten it, I avoided.
It kept me attached to a negative story, one that would place me as the victim and keep me wrapped up in a negative downward spiral for years.
It would also have me striving for things like accomplishments and relationships, which isn’t necessarily bad unless we seek the wrong things in them.
But I’m tired, oh so tired of the struggle and constant demands of the Self.
I feel like I am at a turning point in my life and that the time to change is now. I touched on the sentiment of the preciousness of time in an earlier post.
Change is never easy but most often it’s the best thing to do. Stagnation is rarely advisable.
I’m now putting distance between myself and my ego, learning to feel its energy inside me and practice conscious detachment from it.
Basically, what would happen if I didn’t hold onto it so tightly?
In the past, the idea of loosening my hold on the ego would terrify me, as so much of my idea of the future was connected to my identity. I wanted to do “this thing” or be “that kind of person”. Imagining a loss of that terrified me but what it really was was fear of losing the Self.
But now, as I said, enough is enough.
I can already feel greater relief and a loosening of the grip that my ego and my constant mental entanglement with it had over me. It’s a little uncomfortable and accompanying it is a degree of uncertainty but there is also something delightfully exciting about that!
Maybe it’s the long-awaited release of a heavy sense of Self; it’s as if my heart is rejoicing and my spirit feels more awake, more alive.
I would like to think that maybe my personal confidence has grown and that because of that, I feel less of a need to protect my ego. Maybe my ego feels less vulnerable now. In any case, I embrace the uncertainty! Let’s see where this goes!