Disowned Masculinity

I am again waking up to the realization of just how dissociated I am to my masculine energy.

I became aware of this extreme dissociation about a month ago (although it goes back years) but the fluctuations inherent in personal growth and change demand that you remain nimble and flexible to what arises day-to-day, so it’s easy to lose focus of one particular area of development as another area becomes more apparent.

But the awareness (or lack of awareness) of my physical body, particularly, my lower half, has become too great to ignore. Not only because it is a huge blind spot in my awareness (that is, feeling it with my awareness is difficult and I often don’t feel much at all) but that it is such an essential part in the wellbeing of a man (or a woman, for that matter), to feel secure, grounded, and self-assured.

How do I know this?

Because I am able to taste it, to know how it feels to reconnect to that power. I know it’s available to me and, on the other side of it, I know just how frequently I am not in touch with it.

I guess I gradually started dissociating from my body in my early twenties. Maybe I felt that it was wrong to be a man, that it was unfair or unkind to women to see and want them as sexual beings.

Of course, on a logical, rational level, I can see that absurdity of this but physically, emotionally, mentally, I began to disown my masculinity.

I went from being in my body to living solely in my head.

The less I acknowledged my body (and sexuality), the more I lived in my head, home to the monkey-mind, where it has carte-blanche to run amock, create reasons and rationales around my “issues” with sex, to berate, to feel resentful, to blame.

Eventually, my body would revolt and I would developed knots of tension in various parts of my body: my stomach and lower abdomen (in the same area as the sacral chakra, associated to sexuality), around my heart and throat, and various other areas.

I could not be at ease, I could not relax. I felt untethered and precarious, like a balloon afloat on the air, tied to the earth by nothing more than a string.

I developed dead spots in my body where I was unable to acknowledge the feeling of certain parts of my body. It was if my mind would not allow a reconnection to these parts of my self.

As you can probably imagine, this made romantic relationships challenging and mainly unsuccessful. I felt neutered, out of touch with a part of me that is primary and innate. I couldn’t – or wouldn’t – acknowledge my desire.

I created a mental block, associated feelings to it, and have been struggling with that pattern for years.

It is only when I am deeply present in the moment that I can begin to feel the presence of my body, my legs, my thighs, hips, stomach, chest, torso. I feel alive. I feel here.

It’s challenging as it directly contradicts the mind’s position of control; the ego and its familiar story and the emotional grooves it has laid.

But that is no excuse because the alternative, following the mind’s story, is not an option. That is because it is a fake, a forgery. It is built in the clouds, not in reality.

It is built on concepts, judgments, biases. It is not informed by the reality of this moment, and the feelings that accompany you in this moment. These are direct truths. Not judgments or pre-conceived notions.

The more I am able to honor my body, the better I feel. The more I acknowledge all parts of me, the more I step out of a mental fantasy and wake up to this moment.

I don’t know how or why I developed this dissociation to my masculine side or how my judgment around masculinity became so distorted (maybe that will be left to another blog post) but I also know that I am bound to honor more that part of myself, having recognized the limitation and the absurdity of the mind and having tasted the power and strength that comes from feeling the presence of myself in the moment.

I am hopeful that I will find greater comfort, strength, and power in reconnecting to my masculine energy and let slip some of the grips the ego and the mind has had over me and my nature.

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